 The Process
The beginning of the grieving process comes as you become more aware of he death of someone you were close to – someone you miss – someone you have loved – and begin to face the reality of the new life ahead.
Although our reflex reaction may be to turn away from the emotional pain of grief, the life-giving choice is to face grief head-on, to work through it. As William Bridges expresses it in Transitions: making Sense of Life's Changes, “The way out is the way in.”
The grieving process often begins with a roller coaster of emotions, including numbness, disbelief, sadness, emptiness, relief, regret, anxiety or a sense of isolation. You may have a lack of energy, little motivation to do anything and feel unable to concentrate.
Eating or sleeping habits may change. Physical reactions may occur, such as nausea or a heaviness In the chest or stomach.
Feelings
Understanding your feelings during the grieving process is vital to your psychological, physical and spiritual health since the “normal” grief reactions can seem so abnormal. Sorting out the mixture of thoughts and emotions will help as you work to bring emotional stability back to your daily life.
Common feelings are:
Denial – Feeling as if the death has not really occurred. You many experience feelings of disbelief and shock.
Depression – There will be periods of crying. You may feel unable to get busy with things you know you should do. Your general mood is low. A sense of hopelessness may prevail. Allow yourself tears.
Anger – Anger may be directed toward the deceased, God, yourself or others. Deal with the anger in a constructive way. Express your feelings by keeping a journal, writing letters to your loved one or God, or visiting the grave site. Unexpressed emotions can be physically destructive if “stuffed” inside.
Guilt – This is a normal feeling, which is experienced in many ways. Forgive yourself, ask your loved one to forgive you and be comfortable in knowing that the deceased person would not want you to carry any sense of regret.
These, along with other feelings, will come and go. There is no pattern to how you will experience these feelings. The passage of time will help. But you must deal with these feelings in a constructive, positive way.
These feelings and behaviors – and many others – are a normal part of the grief experience. Give yourself permission to grieve for as long as you need to. You may grieve differently than others do, or for a different length of time. Your grief experience will be unique because your relationship with the deceased was unique. The key to finding meaning in life after loss lies in what you do during your time of grief.
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Recovery
Successfully coming through or recovering from grief takes time. There is no set pattern or timetable for this period of internal reorientation. You are establishing a new identity and shaping a picture of how to live your life after such a major change.
Help yourself to work through the recovery process by setting time aside daily or several times a week of intentional grief work. Look at pictures, listen to music, watch family videotapes. Allow yourself to miss and to mourn your loved one. Read books and articles about the grieving process. They can provide much needed reassurance that you are not alone in your feelings and reactions.
Talk about your feelings. Reach out for support from others who are on a similar journey. Hospice sponsors support groups to help the bereaved learn about the grief process and gain insight into their feelings and reactions by sharing their story of loss with others. Use spiritual support to strengthen your faith and help create positive beliefs for rebuilding your life.
Retain happy memories as you create a new relationship with your loved one – a relationship of heart, mind and spirit. Building a living memorial will keep alive he essence of your lived one and enrich your life.
Eventually you will come to the place in your recovery process when you will begin to live in the present rather than the past. You will find the time and space for new thoughts, activities and people. Your energy level and ability to concentrate will improve. You will enjoy laughter again. This is the acceptance of the loss and the beginnings of your new life.
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